Excerpt from “The Playground”

A One-Act Play

By Malcolm Murray

Characters [for this excerpt]:
Girl: young (we’ll say 20s, but representing (and sometimes acting like) an eight year old), fair hair, bright yellow shin-length dress.
Old Woman: black skirts, shawls.
Teeter-Totter Man: heavy man, brown suit.

Scene: A playground. [For this excerpt] from stage right to left: a bench, a teeter-totter. Exit stage right.
At lights up, Old Woman sits on bench stage right. Teeter-Totter Man sits alone on teeter-totter, resting on the ground, unoccupied. Both are inordinately bored, absorbed in their own penance, as if riders on a grimy transit to a tedious, energy-sapping job. Enter girl stage right, blithely.

Old woman: [To girl.] Where are you going?

Girl: To the playground.

Old Woman: What for?

Girl: To play.

Old woman: And what do you want to do that for? To be happy?

Girl: Yes.

Old Woman: Don’t they teach you anything in school anymore? Or your parents? Or are your parents just some young kids themselves? Had you too early. Despite our telling them. But do you think they listen? Carnal desires is all they are. They think they’re something else. All fine and hoity. And now look. Here you are. With no better sense than to go to the playground. Looking to play, I bet.

Girl: [Hands on hips.] I have sense. And what’s wrong with going to the playground? As far as I can see, you should go to the playground.

Old Woman: [Stands.] Open your eyes, miss. I’m already in the playground. [Spreads her arms.] All this is a playground. [Points off stage.] And all that is a playground too. You can’t escape the playground. I’ve never been anywhere else. And here you are pretending that you’re only now coming to the playground. To play! [Fists under chin, imitating.] “Oh if only I could get to the playground, then my life would start happening. You’ll see. Life will be ever so sweeter. If only I could get to the playground.”

Girl: I don’t know what you’re talking about. Things are what they are. That’s all. I’m just going to the playground.

Old Woman: [Re-sits. Pats the bench beside her.] Here. Sit down. I won’t bite. Come on. Sit down beside me. I’m going to tell you a story. It won’t take long. Come now. Sit. It’s not a long story and it’ll do you good. I wish someone told me this story when I was your age. But I’m going to tell you. Are you going to sit or not?

Girl: [Looking at Teeter-Totter Man.] Look. He’s all alone on the teeter-totter.

Old Woman: Oh, he’s one of the best teeter-totterers in the world, I’d say. Certainly the best in this park, anyway.

Girl: A good teeter-totterer, is he?

Old Woman: The best.

Girl: I didn’t think that a teeter-totter was the sort of thing that ...

Old Woman: He’s so good, no one will play with him anymore.

Girl: Really? No one? That’s sad.

Old Woman: No, no. It’s a compliment. It’s a mark of achievement.

Girl: So he just sits there? Hogging the teeter-totter?

Teeter-Totter Man: I can hear you.

[Girl approaches teeter-totter.]

Girl: But what if I had a friend and the two of us, my friend and I, came and wanted to ride the teeter-totter? What then? Would you let us?

Teeter-Totter Man: Do you have a friend?

Girl: [Hurt.] Not with me now. I’m speaking hypothetically.

Teeter-Totter Man: Hypothetically I would do anything. But as it stands, no one is trying to get on. So you can’t accuse me of being a hog. Else I can accuse you of hogging that spot of dirt your standing on.
[Alarmed, Girl moves to her left.]

Teeter-Totter Man: And now you’re hogging that patch. You’re a multiple patch hogger, whereas I, at least, am simply minding my own business. I am a simple folk imbibing the pleasure of a teeter-totter.

Girl: I see. [Considers.] I’m sorry I misspoke.

Teeter-Totter Man: There is no need to name call. It is hurtful.

Girl: I’m sorry.

Teeter-Totter Man: When I was a child, they used to call me “Hog.” They thought that was funny. Because of my weight. Now, when I hear the wind blow, when the birds chirp, when the crickets wheeze, it sounds to me as if they’re calling me “Hog.”

Girl: I’m so sorry.

[Pause.]

Teeter-Totter Man: Yes. Well, then. I’m happy we had this chance to speak, but, as you can see, I’m rather engaged here in teeter-tottering. So perhaps you could move along to some other amusement.

Girl: But you’re not teeter-tottering. You need another person to teeter-totter.

Teeter-Totter Man: A lot you know about it. I’m the champion teeter-totter. What are you? A Novice. A beginner. A hack.

Girl: I was going to ask you if I could teeter-totter with you.

Teeter-Totter Man: Oh. I see. You were?

Girl: Yes. But now, I don’t know. Maybe I’ll go to the swings instead.
[Teeter-Totter Man stands, lowering the teeter-totter for the girl to climb on.]

Teeter-Totter Man: If you want to ride with me, that’s different. I thought you were here to call me names. Well? Are you going to get on?

[Girl considers. Relents. Gets on. The two stand with the teeter-totter parallel between them.]

Teeter-Totter Man: Ready?

Girl: Yep.

Teeter-Totter Man: Who should go first?

Girl: Pardon?

Teeter-Totter Man: Shall we flip a coin?

Girl: To go first?

Teeter-Totter Man: The player who goes first always has the advantage. Every teeter-totterist knows that.

Girl: I don’t even know what you mean by go first. Don’t we just go together?

Teeter-Totter Man: I am reduced to playing with hacks and boors! Where is the justice? You work, you pine. For what?

Girl: Pardon?

Teeter-Totter Man: Listen. The whole point is to teeter and totter. So one must teeter while the other totters. And if we can’t determine who’s doing the teetering and who the tottering, we may end up with two tottering. And then what?

Girl: When I teeter-totter, I just simply go. There isn’t anything more to it.

Teeter-Totter Man: That’s where you’re wrong. There’s so much more to it. There’s so much more it would blow your mind. I’ve read books on it. I’ve studied it. It consumes me. And here you suggest we just go together. Maddening!

Girl: You go first, then.

Teeter-Totter Man: Good. Now you’re talking sense.

[Teeter-Totter Man sits. His end goes down to the ground. Girl rises in the air. Since the man is so much heavier than the girl, this is all that happens. The girl remains suspended, her legs dangling.]

Teeter-Totter Man: Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. There. I win.

Girl: You’re supposed to push up with your legs.

Teeter-Totter Man: Why should I do that?

Girl: The point of the teeter-totter is to teeter and totter.

Teeter-Totter Man: The point is to win. Only losers speak otherwise. As if we should just play with no goal, no point. Is that your idea? Pointlessness? Don’t be a poor loser, little girl. It’s unbecoming.

Girl: Can I get down, then?

Teeter-Totter Man: I fell for that trick once. About seven years ago. I don’t mind admitting it. You learn from your mistakes. How else can you improve? Am I right?

Girl: I don’t know what trick you’re talking about. I just want to get off.

Teeter-Totter Man: Nice try little girl. I admire your spunk. But, as I say, you’re not fooling me. You can fool me once, they say, and then they say something else. But me, I’m a winner. Do you admit it?

Girl: You’re not going to let me down?

Teeter-Totter Man: One of the most important lessons in life is how to lose gracefully. Because you’re certainly going to lose more times than win. Unlike me. I’m a winner. And to win, well, what’s the saying? To make an omelette, you got to smash some eggs. Have you heard that one before? It means, to eat, you got to kill something. That’s the message. That’s how to be a winner.

Girl: What about not eating omelettes?

Teeter-Totter Man: Well, right. Sure. You don’t have to play. That’s true. You can sit on the sidelines. Under the bleachers. And just not play the game. Fine. Be my guest. But to really live, to play, to live well, you got to take things seriously. Do you get my drift? You should listen. You can learn a thing or two from a winner. Winners know how to take things by the balls. If you know what I mean.

[Girl clambers off teeter-totter, moves to swing set. Etc.]